I realised how much I really really don't right now.
At all.
I also realised how much everything that happened last year was so much more genuine and so absolutely real and heartfelt. & I mean under all the ambiguity of so many things even.
And sometimes I just wanna have it all back so I could have made something more of it.
To prove that things I thought I had/was really existed, that maybe that spark was really something significant in relation to me.
Anyway it all just came flooding back today.
& somehow because I suddenly grasped the meaning of unmeaningful and procedural in Right Now, despite all else, I can't go any further and I don't even think I want to.